L11 Parenting (Part 1)

     It is important to know what kind of parents we are because we have an effect on the outcome of who are children become. Did you know there are different styles of parenting?
Take this short quiz to find out which one you are...

http://www.activeparenting.com/Parents-Parenting_Style_Quiz

     Also, if you have some time, check out this other video. Setting limits is a strategy used in authoritative parenting. Vitamin N is one of the most important "vitamins" children need.

https://www.prageru.com/join/welcome


     So how did the quiz go for you? I got “active” which is similar to an authoritative parent, which luckily, is the best style of parenting! As you read further, you will learn why.

This week we read in Lauer chapter 12: Becoming a Parent. In this chapter, I learned about various implications of becoming a parent. Since the 1970s, the birthrate in the U.S. has declined. Starting in 1995 there have been about 14-15 births per 1,000 people due to immigration and declining death rate. Even the number of children people are having is now an average of 2.5. The reasons why people may not be having children is because either they choose not to or they are not able to. Reasons why people choose not to have children may be personal fulfillment, career, economic costs, relationship focus, and doubts about parenting skills. Involuntary childlessness may be due to infertility. Although some people find it impossible to have children on their own, they resort to various methods in order to do so. These include artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization, surrogate mothers, and adoption. However these solutions may otherwise result in a number of complications. Children suffer adverse effects from artificial insemination that include higher levels of confusion, emotional pain, feelings of isolation, depression, delinquency, and substance abuse. They may even worry about finding a mate as a half sibling. Controversies of in vitro fertilization may be defined as abortion because of the disposal of extra fertilized eggs. Surrogate mothers may experience rejection if the baby is deformed. Lastly, adopted children experience more conflict with their parents.

                The reasons that people have children are many. Some people have children because of the happiness they have experienced growing up in a family. It may also be for personal fulfillment, family legacy, status, religious beliefs, or social expectations. People deem raising children as an indispensable part of growth despite career success. Parents have reported that they experience love like they had never before experienced in their entire lives. Having children inevitably brings additional stress to deal with, but it does not necessarily prove to decrease the quality of life in the long run. The relationships that parents build with their children and the strengthening of their own marriage can be more fulfilling and strengthen all assets for their reasons of having children in the first place. However, these implications are predicated upon effective parenting practices.

Those educated, married longer, and who have higher income have improved marital satisfaction with children. Also, marital and parental satisfaction are likely to be higher when the father is more involved with the baby. Last but not least, parenting style not only influence the quality of the relationship, but in the overall development of the child. Fathers who are substantially engaged in the care of infants and children turn out to be more intellectually competent, empathetic, display higher levels of self-control, self-esteem, greater degree of social competence, and higher levels of psychological well-being. There are three different parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. The authoritarian parent maximizes unquestioning control over the child, and may exert severe punishment. These children result in lower self-esteem, school achievement, behavioral problems, less well adjusted, and distrustful. The permissive parent minimizes control to the degree that any behavior is acceptable. Children make their own decisions and develop independence with few or no parental constrains and guidance. However, their children end up lacking self-control and do not easily adapt to situations of authority figures. The authoritative parent is balanced between setting limits and granting autonomy to the degree that they are developmentally capable of handling responsibility and accepting the consequences on their own. These parents encourage independence and are able to express their opinions. Although they are persistent in expecting what behavior is deemed as appropriate, they are able to express their opinions and share a warm relationship characterized with affection. Children of authoritative parents have higher quality family life. They achieve better in academics, self-reliance, better moral reasoning, and life satisfaction. They are less likely to experience anxiety, depression, and get involved in delinquent behavior.

L10 Fathers and Finances (Part 2)

Another interesting fact is that most dual earner households consume more unnecessary time and money. Their lack of time causes them to spend more money on conveniences such as eating out, childcare, and extracurricular activities. One woman from Utah realized this and decided that she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. It was hard at first as she was earning 50% of their annual income. She and her husband decided the only way possible for her to stay at home was to down-size. Vandertoolen, AAA Fair Credit Foundation advisor gave 4 steps in order to accomplish this…

Step 1: Inventory

·         Tracking every expense and determining between needs and wants cut down 20% of ruthless spending habits.

Step 2: Advice

·         Get outside advice to look at finances, a reputable organization like VanderTollen’s foundation. Beware of fraudulent counseling agencies. Talk to bank or credit union financial advisor.

Step 3: Move quickly

·         Change habits now before you start pulling money out of savings when you change to 1 financial income.

Step 4: Make a budget

·         Based on inventory, separate categories in to things you can and cannot change. Can change is food, while cannot may be house bills. Then list items from largest to smallest changeable items.

The trick is to live as though you were living on one income before you decide to do so and put the rest of what you earn in savings for an emergency. Another smart way of managing resources is to get an in-home job or entrepreneurship to contribute to the income. Lastly, beware of part-time jobs that may increase expenses such as eating out, childcare, less time to shop sales, etc. Important questions to ask ourselves are “is the reason for doing what you’re doing more important than love for the thing you are giving up?” 

We are lucky to have prophets and leaders such as Elder Ashton to help us avoid financial difficulties. Prophets, through revelation, know what trials we will face in our day. He specifically mentions ways of how to build unity and stay out of debt. Money should be used for the benefit of everyone, not for selfish reasons. Satan is abroad in the land and he uses any means possible to distract us from accomplishing the Lord’s purposes. Living in vain will lead to destruction in our own lives as much as it had among the Jaredites. The pride cycle, for instance consists of a pattern of prosperity, wickedness, warning by prophets, destruction and suffering, and humility and repentance. Specifically, in the book of Ether, king Riplakish’s obsessions not only caused wickedness among the people, but later led to their rebellion and future wars. Selfishness inevitably leads to contention and segregation. If we focus on what is most important in building up Zion, we will be guaranteed peace and happiness. 

Fortunately, we have a merciful, unchanging Redeemer who, with welcoming arms yields us to come unto Him. His promises are sure that when we repent, He will deliver us. Unfortunately. for Coriantumr, he neglected Ether’s counsel to the point where he only realized his error when he saw with his very eyes prophesies that were fulfilled laying amidst not only his regret, but millions of bodies strewn upon the earth. Can you see now why faith in counsel is necessary? Do not wait until the last minute. Yes, finances are stressful, but if we have faith in following our prophets’ counsel, we will be safe. Moroni gives an inspiring remainder of faith in reaction to the failure of the people who did not believe because they could not see. He explains that faith precedes miracles. Examples of faith throughout the scriptures have included deliverance, conversion, and promises. It is also important to remember that our weaknesses or others’ should not discourage us. God gives men weakness so that they might be humble and come unto Him. When we do, he will make our weaknesses become our strengths. Thus, as we strive with all our might, mind, and strength to live righteously, and we teach our children, ours and future generations will continually live in peace and prosperity. Prophets foresee future events, or see things we cannot see on our own. Therefore, we can always be safe in following their counsel.

L10 Fathers and Finances (Part 1)

The nature of work is important to consider. The reasons for work is defined from the beginning of Adam and Eve. God commanded Adam and Eve to till the earth. It was only by their labor that they would able to reap the fruits of the earth. Work has changed throughout the centuries. For instance, families used to work alongside each other on a family farm, but the industrial revolution replaced them with factories. Children and their fathers were separated and their only connection was through play. Work also went from social to lonely. Children were only able to work in the factories at a time until too many were being hurt and killed. Child Labor Laws protected children. Children’s contribution eventually led to a trend of consumerism. The reliance of technology had freed mankind from labor and influenced a new way of living that may be defined as the “Ease of Eden”. Opportunities lie all around us. Examples are winning the lottery, choosing not to have children, leaving field labor to immigrants, and going on vacations.

However unnecessary we might think work to be, it is necessary to build Zion. The family proclamation states, “successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” The reasons that work is necessary to instill in our families is to foster selflessness, heal relationships, build identity, and a sense of value. The Savior’s last lesson He taught before he died was to serve one another so that we might be one. He did this by washing their feet. There are two examples that give validity to His words. One is of a woman who was grieved for not bonding with her second child because of the traumatic experience in premature birth. However, one day as they were folding laundry, the mother was consumed with a parental love and the bond that had not previously existed was remarkably established.  Another example was of a student who went to a foreign country to help teach the people sanitation and farming in order to decrease mortality rates. The people were very cautious at first, but as they worked together, they felt as if they were one.

            Why do we work? Well, money of course! However, money can create problems if not managed successfully and it takes work on our part to do so. According to The American Bar Association, about 89% of all divorces in the United States are over money issues. Before getting married it is wise for couples to discuss finances. Additionally, when children reach the age of accountability at 8 years old, they should also be involved. Marvin J. Ashton, a previous leader in the Quorum of the Twelve suggests 12 ways how to manage finances wisely...

   1. Teach family members early the importance of working and earning

-  Children should earn their money through service and appropriate chores

   2. Teach children to make money decisions in keeping with their capacities to comprehend.

-  Saving for a purpose: mission, bike, doll house, etc. creates unity. Parents can match it with a predetermined percentage.

   3. Teach each family member to contribute to the total family welfare

-  Families can have financial and spiritual experiences when all members have the opportunity to contribute. “My missionary” becomes “our missionary.”

  4. Teach family members that paying financial obligations promptly is part of integrity and honesty development.

-  Paying tithing to the Lord promptly helps us to become honest with others

   5. Learn to manage money before it manages you

-  Ask if your sweetheart can manage money rather than earning a great amount.

  6. Learn self-discipline and self-restrain in money matters

-  Restrain impulses by thinking of needs of family.

-  Don’t complain about spouse. Make it a joint effort in learning together wise money management skills.

  7. Use a budget

-  Avoid finance charges except for homes, education, and other vital investments. Avoid installment credit and excessive use of credit cards

-  Buy consumer durables with cash, used items instead of new ones, and save money on a regular basis. Pay tithing and meet financial obligations promptly.

  8. Make education a continuing process

- Complete as much formal, full-time education as possible, including trade schools. Use night school and correspondence classes. Acquire a special skill or ability that could be used to avoid prolonged unemployment.

   9. Work toward home ownership

- This is an investment, not consumption. Buy one that your income supports. Improve and beautify the landscape so that you can use capital gain to get a better home if you sell it.

10. Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program

- It is most important to have sufficient medical and adequate life insurance

 11. Strive to understand and cope with existing inflation

- Learn to see through the money illusion and recognize the real value of money. Most wage earners have less purchasing power today. Inflation will likely continue. Era off higher prices and less abundant energy

12. Appropriately involve yourself in a food storage program

-  Accumulate basic supplies in a systematic and orderly way. Avoid going in debt. Beware of promotional schemes.

Remember than living within your means is a continual process, but it is worth it. In the end you will be happier when time and interest are working for and not against you. Also, if we ask, God for help, he will help us in these matters when we live close to Him and keep His commandments. Tip #4 I feel is particularly important, especially after I had read about this story for my Institute class this week...


“The university in which I studied had a regulation that prohibited the students that were in debt from taking tests. For this reason, when I received my salary I would first separate the money for tithing and offerings, and the remainder was allotted for the payment of the school and other expenses. I remember a time when I … faced serious financial difficulties. It was a Thursday when I received my salary. When I figured the monthly budget, I noticed that there wouldn’t be enough to pay [both] my tithing and my university. I would have to choose between them. The bimonthly tests would start the following week, and if I didn’t take them I could lose the school year. I felt great agony. … My heart ached. I had a painful decision before me, and I didn’t know what to decide. I pondered between the two choices: to pay tithing or to risk the possibility of not obtaining the necessary credits to be approved in school. This feeling consumed my soul and remained with me up to Saturday. It was then that I remembered that when I was baptized I had agreed to live the law of tithing. I had taken upon myself an obligation, not with the missionaries, but with my Heavenly Father. At that moment, the anguish started to disappear, giving place to a pleasant sensation of tranquility and determination. …That night when I prayed, I asked the Lord to forgive me for my indecision. On Sunday, before the beginning of sacrament meeting, I contacted the bishop, and with great pleasure I paid my tithing and offerings. That was a special day. I felt happy and peaceful within myself and with Heavenly Father. The next day I was in my office; I tried to find a way to be able to take the tests that would begin on Wednesday. The more I thought, the further I felt from a solution. …The working period was ending when my employer approached and gave the last orders of the day. When he had done so, with his briefcase in his hand he bid farewell. … Suddenly he halted, and looking at me he asked, “How is your college?” I was surprised, and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The only thing I could answer with a trembling voice was, “Everything is all right!” He looked thoughtfully at me and bid farewell again. …Suddenly the secretary entered the room, saying that I was a very fortunate person! When I asked her why, she simply answered: “The employer has just said that from today on the company is going to pay fully for your college and your books. Before you leave, stop at my desk and inform me of the costs so that tomorrow I can give you the check. After she left, crying and feeling very humble, I knelt exactly where I was and thanked the Lord for His generosity. I … said to Heavenly Father that He didn’t have to bless me so much. I only needed the cost of one month’s installment, and the tithing I had paid on Sunday was very small compared to the amount I was receiving! During that prayer the words recorded in Malachi came to my mind: “Prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it” (Malachi 3:10). Up to that moment I had never felt the magnitude of the promise contained in that scripture and that this commandment was truly a witness of the love that God, our Heavenly Father, gives to His children here on earth."

L09: Communication (Part 2)

     Now that you have learned ways that are ineffective in communicating with others, I will tell you of ways you can improve. First, is listening. There are five ways to improve listening.

1. Make it active. Look at your partner, watch nonverbal cues, and respond with noncommittal remarks such as “I see.”

2. Resist distractions such as noise or your own thoughts.

3. Control your emotions. Do not let your “hot buttons” cause you to be an interrupter.

4. Ask questions and rephrase to clarity

5. Summarize periodically to understand where they are getting at

6. Practice. It will enhance the quality of your relationships.

Impediments to communication include destructive messages. Gottman identifies the “Four Horsemen of the Apocoalypse” in communication. They are complaining, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Other hazardous forms include ordering, threatening, moralizing, providing solutions, lecturing, ridiculing, analyzing, and interrogating.

Common marital problems include lack of conversation, things to talk about, too much criticism, and general dissatisfaction with conversation. Overall, we are more satisfied with our communication when we feel understood and in agreement with one another. Effective communication entails nonthreatening messages, honesty, fairness, trust, and making requests without blaming or causing feelings of guilt in the other. Couples with satisfying relationships generally talk about a variety of topics on an everyday basis.

 Effective communication patterns entail discussing topics such as work, income, feelings, and interests. Other patterns include support, listening, pleasant conversations at mealtime, avoid saying things that irritate, strive for mutual understanding, avoiding silent treatment, affection, complementing, and confiding. Complementing and self-disclosure is attributed to enhancing satisfaction. The more self-disclosure a couple engages in, the more it enhances their marriage. However, it is not healthy to self-disclose everything one feels. Topics that strengthen understanding rather than causing hurt or anger, is appropriate.

                Now, I would like to relate this to what I read in M. Russell Ballard’s “Strength in Counsel.” I was so impressed upon learning about how the brethren come to a consensus in the decisions they make in the church. Note, consensus, not compromise. Counsels should not only be included amongst the 12 apostles but also among the stake presidents, bishops, leaders, and families. Counseling with one another gives solutions to problems confronting us. The purpose of counsels are to bless, strengthen, and combat evil. For example, church leaders may make it a goal to help move the work forward such as considering suggestions in how the ward might be more effective in proclaiming the gospel, perfecting the Saints, and redeeming the dead. The cooperation that results brings a synergism as everyone is united in combined action. The sum result is greater than the individual parts. Effective counsels include praying and searching the scriptures. The point is that everyone is searching the Lord’s will rather than being driven by other motives.

              Effective communication in the scriptures is described best in the book of Ephesians as my teacher, Brother Williams, suggested. He shared some of the most powerful and life-changing insights. “Be angry and sin not” and “let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, neither give place for the devil.” Corrupt communication opens the door to Satan’s influence. Ways of corrupt communication might entail profanity or sarcasm. It increases contention. The definition of sarcasm is “to tear flesh like dogs.” Remember, anger is a choice. 1/3 of the brain shuts off when you are angry, depressed, or feeling anxiety. In other words, we think or may be influenced to do things that are irrational. Instead of acting out in anger, choose to diffuse the tension in the atmosphere. A gentle touch in a tense moment is divine. Brother Williams also spoke of edifices. Edifices include the temple steeple. Edifices cause you to “look up” and that’s what steeples do. Likewise, the Lord admonishes that our communication should edify or lift one another. It is said that one of the best advice to newlyweds is to close one eye and keep the other opened. Also, he said to keep in mind that you will probably be more hurt than anyone else in your life by your spouse, so choose you words wisely. Here are a couple of noteworthy quotes to think about. One by Abraham Lincoln, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself but not thinking of yourself at all.” The other Brother Williams shared from his own marriage, “As partners in my own marriage, we have always received the same answers. If we go with what we thought, we would have failed.” We went on talking about counsels and the pattern that the brethren use for having effective counsels. First, they start and end with a prayer. In the middle, they discuss to consensus, and end with refreshments. Interestingly enough, this is related to the patterns of writing in the Book of Mormon. Important scriptures are patterned in Chiasms. They begin and end on a good note and the emphasis in the middle is the Lord’s will.

              

L09: Communication & Mutual Problem Solving

This week we read chapters 9-10 in Lauer. Chapter 9 talks about the challenges of communication. Communication is defined as verbal and nonverbal cues. Even when we are not communicating, we are communicating something to the other person. Nonverbal cues can be the most important part of communication because it accounts for 50-80% of the meaning. There are many different kinds of nonverbal communication: clothes we wear, facial expressions, eye behavior, touching, and tone. The tone of voice can be some of the most important forms of nonverbal communication. The functions of nonverbal behavior include reinforcement, reliability, repetition, regulating, substitution, accenting, attributions, and influence. One interesting fact about how nonverbal behavior influences is that people are more likely to comply with you if your touch, make frequent eye contact, and smile. This will enhance commitment and affection.

                Interpreting nonverbal behavior tends to differ between males and females. Females tend to smile more than males and they also tend to express more sadness. Women are generally more sensitive to nonverbal cues more than men. Interestingly enough, the person with less power in a relationship has greater need to accurately understand the person with more power. Closeness to the other person also affects interpretation. Friends are more accurate than strangers. However, less close friends are more accurate than closer friends. No matter what, it is always important to verbally check one’s accuracy in interpreting nonverbal cues.

                Communication is an interactive process. There are three steps in the communication process: Step 1: encode, Step 2: media, and Step 3: decode. Step 1 is the idea and/or feeling into language. This may be subtle or direct. Step 2 is how the message is transmitted whether it be verbal or nonverbal. Step 3 is how the receiver interprets the message. Static is an interference that may occur which hinders accurate communication. Static may occur in the sender, the media, or the receiver. Senders, for example, may be uncertain of their own feelings or ideas. Depending on chosen mannerisms, words, or exaggerated nonverbal gestures it may instead distract the listener. There may also be too many distractions in the environment. Problems with the receiver might include faulty filtration of the message through their own ideas and feelings as they select, expand, and interpret the words and nonverbal cues to make sense of the message.

                It is important to remember that just because people are communicating, it does not mean that it is effective. It is said by Psychiatrist Karl Menniger, that listening may be more important than talking. It is good that we recognize styles of poor listening so that we can implement more effective strategies. We all have fallen trap or have come in contact with styles of poor listening. Therefore, it is good to become aware of these styles and recognize them in ourselves so that we might become more effective. Styles of poor listening include faking, dependency, interrupting, self-consciousness, and intellectualization. The faker is depicted as someone who acts like they are listening. They may smile and nod but they are thinking about something else. The dependent listener is concerned about making a good impression. They agree excessively and are more concerned with pleasing rather than helping. The interrupter never allows the other to speak. The self-conscious listener is someone who is concerned with status rather than ideas and feelings of the other. They think about how to respond in order to impress the other with the quality of their mind. The intellectual is someone who evaluates what the other person says and fails to interpret nonverbal cues. A computer programmer, for instance, might develop this style of communicating.

                In My next blog post, I will talk about ways of implementing effective communication. One way to become an effective communicator is to practice. Here is a game that you can try with your friends and family. The communication game by Satir identifies three communication types: the placator- always agreeable, the blamer- always finding fault and acts superior, and the computer- ultrarational and analyzes everything. This game is recommended to play with at least three people to represent a mother, father, and child. Decide on a topic of conversation, perhaps a current problem. Have each person select a communication type. Next, discuss the topic for 5 minutes and then talk about how each felt when playing that role. Play the game until each person has had an opportunity to play each of the four roles. If you find that you are unusually comfortable playing each of the roles, is because most likely you have had practice in your life already! You may also feel that some roles are difficult or repugnant to play. Woman find it hard playing the blamer, and men the placator.

L08 The Family Under Stress (Part 2) - Coping Mechanisms

What do you do when the stress button his alarming in your brain? In the last post we talked about stress and how alcohol seems to exacerbate problems experienced in relationships. Well, in fact, it also exacerbates the problem for those who are abused so, really, there is no way out. But, wait, I lied, there is…effective coping mechanisms! But first, let’s talk about ineffective ones.

There are three ineffective ways people use to cope with stress: denial, avoidance, and scapegoating. Denial is the most common. Although denial and avoidance may be good for collecting oneself in the meantime, it is damaging in the long run. An example of avoiding a problem may be consuming alcohol. This form of coping is common among those who suffer from abuse, but it is counterproductive and dysfunctional. Scapegoating is defined as finding someone or something to blame. It is not even useful in the short term. It is a way of shifting responsibility so that one does not have to feel guilt or personally responsible for resolving a crisis.

Effective coping mechanisms include: taking responsibility, affirming worth, balancing self with other-concern, reframing, and finding available resources. Taking responsibility unlike denial, avoidance, and scapegoating. When someone takes responsibility, they discontinue to act as a victim feeling hurt, oppressed, exploited, in pain, and helpless. Taking responsibility may entail confronting an abuser in a family intervention session. While abuse tends to diffuse inner strengths, it is important that family members take time to affirm their worth and be reminded of their strengths which power may help solve a problem. One example might be to view themselves as not deserving the abuse. Balancing self-concern with other-concern is another important coping mechanism. It is important that family members are not totally focused on themselves or others insomuch that they sacrifice their own safety. Crisis tends to throw people into self-absorption. If all family members become self-absorbed, the situation can become hazardous to marital and familial well-being. Those searching for support may feel abandoned. Families that handle crisis best, are those that grieve, empathize, and support one another. Reframing is a tool in which individuals change their perspective on a situation. For example, they may define the crisis as an obstacle that will lead to growth as they overcome. Lastly, finding available resources is a coping mechanism that may include religious beliefs, self-help groups, books, extended family, and therapists.

     

          Resilient families resist disruption in the face of change and cope effectively with crisis. Resilience can be pictured like a rubber band. When you stretch it out, it bounces back. According to Lauer, some ways of building resilience are: fostering problem-solving skills, celebrations, religious days, communication including beliefs and emotions, financial management, hardiness or optimistic outlook, emotional and physical health, shared leisure, acceptance of personality and behavior, social support of relatives and friends, sharing chores, and implementing traditions that carry throughout generations.

      

         This topic reminds me of the African slaves who were abused for generations. What gave them power to overcome? What helped people in Nazi concentration camps power to see themselves as they truly were and overcome? I have heard the saying that when someone starts calling a child a profane name, they start to believe it. The mind is a powerful instrument, and although some people oppress it through their agency, we are also given our own in how to cope. I believe they were able to see their individual worth as children of God and perhaps even those who oppressed them. In the book, Man’s Search for Meaning, the author mentioned how he had to pray to God to give him the feeling of forgiveness if he would extend His hand. Perhaps he was preserved for that very reason. I am also reminded of the account of Alma in The Book of Mormon who raised the banner, “In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children,” in order to encourage his people, against Amalickiah who sought to take away their freedom. As they humbled themselves, recognizing their reliance on God, and by remembering that by heeding His commandments would enable their deliverance, they were able to win the battle. In the same way, all other moral leaders in the world that have made a significant impact had faith in God. Martin Luther King, for instance. Also, we as Americans have been enabled our freedoms as they were founded on Christian faith. I am truly grateful that we have a merciful God who will always hear and answer our prayers and will deliver us as we keep His commandments, no matter what opposition stands in our way. I love at the beginning of the Book of Mormon of Nephi’s statement, “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them,” which seems to encompass each succeeding event. As the people righteously obey, they are able to accomplish His purposes to establish a land where none are oppressed.

The other night, when I was riding my bike home from Institute, I asked myself, “is what I am doing making me happy?” I then asked myself why on earth I was asking myself this question. I realized that I truly have a choice as to what things I choose to do to make myself happy. I made a hope and promise to myself that I will not ever sell myself short or set myself up for failure in which my life may lead to a series of miserable events and blame others for that misery. Honestly, I am the one to make choices that leads to my own happiness, not others. I hope to always have the determination to live in a wise manner. As I rode my bike home in the quiet cool night breeze amongst the moon lit night, I realized, yes, I am happy.

L08: The Family Under Stress (Part 1)

     Chapter 13 of Lauer’s Marriage and Family text talks about family crisis and how to deal with it. The ABCX model, developed by Rueben Hill, is a way of looking at how a stressor event may occur in families. A=the actual event, B=both resources and responses, C= cognition or the family's perception of the event, and X is the experience or crisis itself. That is the simplified version. There is also the double by McCubbin which includes pileups or an accumulation of stressors.

     There are different stressors that effect the family. Some of those stressors might be defined as Nonnormative such as a death of a child or internal such as drugs and abuse. The affects may vary according to the individuals’ time in life or relationship quality. Stressors also vary in severity and they not only effect the individual but also those in their range of influence. There are different forms of abuse including physical, emotional, and sexual. Abuse may occur between parents, to a child, or vise versa. There are different prototypes to abusers. Those who abuse children usually have low self-esteem, have a child before age 18, unemployed,  single-parent, financial problems, poor mental health, low social support, large number of stressors, and was abused themselves as children. Violence among spouses have similar characteristics coupled with the abuse of alcohol. Sexual abuse or incest occurs when a relative abuses a child under the age of 18. The most common of this type of abuse occurs between a father and his daughter. The reason for abuse may be that the abuser seeks control because they lack something in their lives and has no way of controlling things around them.

     Spousal abuse affects not only those abused but also the children who witness it. The abused may suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder and the child may develop an emotional disorder. Parents who engage in drug abuse also affect themselves and their family. Their abuse leads to inadequate parenting, physical/emotional abuse, and health problems. These problems increase their children to be at risk for alcoholism or drug abuse. Children also suffer relationally and are prone to have anxiety, depression, and trouble in school. Children who suffer from sexual abuse develop low self-esteem, conduct problems, powerlessness, relational issues, depression, and feelings of victimization.

      

     Those who abuse often had been abused themselves. Nevertheless, alcohol or drug abuse is a common contributor in all forms of abuse. In the case of alcohol abuse, the drinker is likely to become more negative and critical with his or her spouse while drinking. There is a strong relationship between alcohol abuse and violence towards one’s spouse. Overall, the prototype of abusers, are characterized to having a number of stressors in their lives with no sort of resolution. How they cope with the stress such as through alcohol, may actually exacerbate the problem, especially if their judgement is impaired. Those who abuse may suggest that their way of living has no impact on those around them but research shows that it effects everyone in their influence, especially children. A parent is more of an example than they may think. When a parent is abusive to a child, the child is more likely to become abusers themselves. In the same way, when a child is shown love, they are likely to become good citizens.

     

     It matters to how we live our lives because our attitudes and actions that we show towards others affect them in ways that we may not readily see. I believe that if we want to make the world a better place, we should always strive to be good, Christ-like examples because people’s hearts change when we show love for them and they, in turn want to give back and show that same love towards others. Treat others the way you wish to be treated is a good rule to live by because sometimes when someone harms you, your automatic reaction is to harm them back to see how it feels, but you can teach them love when you show it. There are many "wicked traditions" such as these, but we determine whether or not they will continue. I'm grateful for the Book of Mormon because when we read it every day, we are promised that the Holy Ghost will influence our words and actions. I have seen that in my own life. If alcohol abuse of a parent has such an impact on a child, imagine what their life would be like if the alcohol was replaced with something of greater importance. It is better to live our lives so that we will be worthy to have the Spirit with us to lead us and guide us so that our hearts heal and we know how to touch others in our influence. 

L07 Intimacy (Part 2)

Teaching Children

In “Making a Love Connection,” by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, she explains that more teens are having sex before marriage. The reason for this is that they are not being educated. Men complain of not becoming men. They desire direction. Music artists voice out such as 2Pac and Blink 182 profess that they wish they had a father around to teach them how to be a man. The cry for a stable home is apparent in a world that has become confused. The solution is that parents and teachers need to be involved by stating facts about to obtain an ideal family life for themselves and their children. They must follow a sequence of steps such as dating, education, marriage, and then children. Cohabitation, or living with a partner before marriage is not a good idea. It puts a mother at high risk for later divorce. Ideal child development consists of a secure attachment with their parents in a home where they are married. Teen pregnancy increases the likelihood of poverty 9 times. If children knew these risks and knew this correct sequence in order to obtain an ideal family life, they would not fall into these or among many other traps. If teens knew the benefits of marriage, they would work to achieve it. 

The pamphlet A Parent’s Guide, developed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day includes essential insights about teaching children, adolescents, and emerging adults how to prepare for marriage. It is beneficial to start preparing for marriage by getting rid of personality quirks to have a strong relationship with one’s spouse. Living virtuously increases passion in marriage. “The boy who has learned to control impulses to steal or strike out in anger will be less likely later to steal a girl’s chastity, or even later, abuse his wife or children. A girl who enjoys self-respect based upon development of a talent and esteem for her various womanly roles will be more inclined to appreciate spiritual truths. She will be less likely to desperately seek the attentions of lustful boys or accept the viewpoint of those who oppose marriage and the family.” One example of teaching adolescents to bridle their passions is to encourage them to engage in wholesome social experiences. It is essential that children learn virtue among many other Christ like attributes because it will influence on who they become as adults. Parents are the prime example of virtuous behavior and should live it in all aspects of their lives: obeying traffic laws, living within means, keeping the house organized, and holding regular family home evening, prayer, and scripture study.

Preventing Infidelity

In Brother Scott Gardner essay called, “Affair Prevention,” he teaches about four kinds of infidelity: Fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual. Fantasy may include emotional attachment to someone who may lack knowledge of it or even a book character. Visual is when someone lusts in their eyes after someone. Romantic includes mutual emotional attachment, and sexual includes physical intimacy. The most similar commandment next to the 1^st and greatest (to love the Lord thy God with all might, mind, and strength) is to cleave unto one's spouse and none else. Even though committing adultery may easily be defined as physical intimacy, it also includes emotional. In fact, most immoral acts start with a mere thought. Those that have, already have committed adultery in their heart (see Matthew 5:28). It is important to be aware that infidelity can happen to anyone. One example was given of two men who were active, worthy priesthood holders in the church. One decided that it would be best not to ride in a vehicle alone with the opposite sex, while the other did. Later on, one of the men confided in his friend telling him that he had fallen in love with the woman whom he rode in the car with. The moral of this story is that we can fall in love with others as easily as we had with our spouse and it is better to avoid situations that might be of suspicion. A good analogy to keep in mind is a story of three men who desired a trucking job. One of the men drove with one wheel off the cliff to show off his trucking agility. The next man, rode with one of the wheels halfway off. The third man decided to drive steer clear from the edge. Who got the job? The third one. The answer is obvious. We might ask ourselves then, if our cargo is precious, would we drive far away from the cliff as possible?

            In Brother William's, “Friends, Facebook, and Fidelity,” he teaches that the key to prevent conflict and infidelity is to establish clear boundaries before marriage. Did you know that emotional infidelity can occur over Facebook? It is more common than you think and it is interrupting marriages. Friends may become sources of contention and comparison. We should always keep track the amount of time we spend on Facebook and ask ourselves if we would be discussing issues with friends if it were not so convenient or how we would feel if our spouse were doing it. Cleaving unto our spouse means that we strive to work out issues with them rather than relying on family members. Relying on family may bring about bitter feelings of jealousy when emotional support is diverted to another source. One wise analogy to keep in mind is the fall of Babylon. Despite its 335 Ft tall, 85 Ft thick, and 56 mi circumference walls with underwater grates set along the Euphrates River, the city was brought down in one day by Cyrus, king of Persia. How did he do this? His army removed the grates at one point and were welcomed into the city because the people were displeased with the Assyrian king. The lesson we may learn from this is that unkindness may lead to vulnerability. In the same way our marriages are susceptible to be brought down despite how much wealth we might have. We would do better to let kindness and love to prevail so that no one doubts our total devotion.

L07 Sexual Intimacy and Family Life (Part 1)

I watched a video interview with Laura Brotherson and Jim Mock. Laura is a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist. Laura explains that talking about sex is a taboo for women but we need not be ashamed. Rather, we should investigate the topic because education brings benefits! She is not only talking about women here. Laura identifies that sex is an important issue between couples because many find that their sex life is not all that great. Some marriages are successful and happy, yet they lack a fulfilling sex life. Laura wrote two books and is on her third in which she investigates the female and male qualities of a healthy sex life. For woman, it is harder to be aroused, and for men it is easier. This is not because woman lack interest more than men but rather, men and woman are wired differently. She explains that couples need to train themselves and work towards fulfilling their needs of intimacy. Men can learn the wiring of woman, if they only study and work at it. Men may wonder themselves that their wives are “broken” when in fact, he has not been educated.

Laura advocates saving sex until marriage. Research shows that sex is most enjoyable in marriage. This is so because sex is a bonding experience. If there is no commitment, it can be a hurtful experience and damaging in the long run. “Sex is the dessert” she asserts. Laura further proclaims that parents not only need to be educated about sex, but need to educate their children. Children need to learn abstinence (save sex until marriage), avoid the risk of pornography addiction, and beware of infidelity. Pornography and infidelity is extremely harmful and damaging when one is seeking true intimate relationships. Some people see it as a “quick fix” but they end up feeling lonely in the long run or face serious repercussions. It is a rigorous and uneasy process to recover from.

Some parents think that the sex talk is only needed as a one-time thing. However, it is most effective if it is ongoing. Laura states five critical points in a child’s life where parents should discuss the topic of sex: before their first day at school, the age of accountability (eight years old), before puberty, before their first date, and before marriage. “These points are not optional,” she emphasizes. Boys ultimately need to learn to bridle their passions and not see woman as mere objects but as a whole person. She also suggests referencing Elder Holland’s talk, “Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments,” in how to teach young men to bridle their passions.

I really enjoyed watching this interview. Talking about sex, I would have to agree, is kind of a touchy subject. I definitely think that it should be talked about in sacredness. However, I feel that it is necessary. Especially, nowadays because the way that it is depicted in media. Therefore, I believe that talking about sex is a serious subject rather than what society may deem as “anything goes.” Sex is all over the media and it is portrayed in ways which may make us feel pressured to live up to. Woman are usually depicted with a perfect figure and that everything about sex should be perfect, otherwise, if we are not, there is something wrong with us. On the contrary, there is something wrong with how it is portrayed. If we are feeling a void in our lives, getting hurt, and never living up to a standard that seems impossible to reach, it is probably because the way that we are living has something to do with it. Pay attention to the movies you watch and the feelings that instill upon you when you leave the theater, does it leave a sour bitter taste in your mouth? Probably because it is. People are a lot smarter than they think they are, we just do not seem to put two and two together (head and heart), just because something feels good in the moment, does not mean it is in the long run. In this same way, if we are truly educated (putting two and two together) in what will bring true happiness in intimacy, we will not only avoid bitter feelings that instant gratification tends to reap, but that we might also stop feeling bad about ourselves about never knowing what love really feels like besides what it may look like in media. God is no respecter of persons and no person is faulty, only that path which we take that is deviated from His own. The Lord’s path protects us from those awful feelings and gives us tips to know how we can feel good feelings and even greater ones that we have never felt before. I know this is true because I have experienced it. In my next post, I will explain ways in which we might teach our children about intimacy.

Book recommendations : "Knowing Her Intimately," 

and "And They Were Not Ashamed" by Laura A. Brotherson