L09: Communication (Part 2)

     Now that you have learned ways that are ineffective in communicating with others, I will tell you of ways you can improve. First, is listening. There are five ways to improve listening.

1. Make it active. Look at your partner, watch nonverbal cues, and respond with noncommittal remarks such as “I see.”

2. Resist distractions such as noise or your own thoughts.

3. Control your emotions. Do not let your “hot buttons” cause you to be an interrupter.

4. Ask questions and rephrase to clarity

5. Summarize periodically to understand where they are getting at

6. Practice. It will enhance the quality of your relationships.

Impediments to communication include destructive messages. Gottman identifies the “Four Horsemen of the Apocoalypse” in communication. They are complaining, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Other hazardous forms include ordering, threatening, moralizing, providing solutions, lecturing, ridiculing, analyzing, and interrogating.

Common marital problems include lack of conversation, things to talk about, too much criticism, and general dissatisfaction with conversation. Overall, we are more satisfied with our communication when we feel understood and in agreement with one another. Effective communication entails nonthreatening messages, honesty, fairness, trust, and making requests without blaming or causing feelings of guilt in the other. Couples with satisfying relationships generally talk about a variety of topics on an everyday basis.

 Effective communication patterns entail discussing topics such as work, income, feelings, and interests. Other patterns include support, listening, pleasant conversations at mealtime, avoid saying things that irritate, strive for mutual understanding, avoiding silent treatment, affection, complementing, and confiding. Complementing and self-disclosure is attributed to enhancing satisfaction. The more self-disclosure a couple engages in, the more it enhances their marriage. However, it is not healthy to self-disclose everything one feels. Topics that strengthen understanding rather than causing hurt or anger, is appropriate.

                Now, I would like to relate this to what I read in M. Russell Ballard’s “Strength in Counsel.” I was so impressed upon learning about how the brethren come to a consensus in the decisions they make in the church. Note, consensus, not compromise. Counsels should not only be included amongst the 12 apostles but also among the stake presidents, bishops, leaders, and families. Counseling with one another gives solutions to problems confronting us. The purpose of counsels are to bless, strengthen, and combat evil. For example, church leaders may make it a goal to help move the work forward such as considering suggestions in how the ward might be more effective in proclaiming the gospel, perfecting the Saints, and redeeming the dead. The cooperation that results brings a synergism as everyone is united in combined action. The sum result is greater than the individual parts. Effective counsels include praying and searching the scriptures. The point is that everyone is searching the Lord’s will rather than being driven by other motives.

              Effective communication in the scriptures is described best in the book of Ephesians as my teacher, Brother Williams, suggested. He shared some of the most powerful and life-changing insights. “Be angry and sin not” and “let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, neither give place for the devil.” Corrupt communication opens the door to Satan’s influence. Ways of corrupt communication might entail profanity or sarcasm. It increases contention. The definition of sarcasm is “to tear flesh like dogs.” Remember, anger is a choice. 1/3 of the brain shuts off when you are angry, depressed, or feeling anxiety. In other words, we think or may be influenced to do things that are irrational. Instead of acting out in anger, choose to diffuse the tension in the atmosphere. A gentle touch in a tense moment is divine. Brother Williams also spoke of edifices. Edifices include the temple steeple. Edifices cause you to “look up” and that’s what steeples do. Likewise, the Lord admonishes that our communication should edify or lift one another. It is said that one of the best advice to newlyweds is to close one eye and keep the other opened. Also, he said to keep in mind that you will probably be more hurt than anyone else in your life by your spouse, so choose you words wisely. Here are a couple of noteworthy quotes to think about. One by Abraham Lincoln, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself but not thinking of yourself at all.” The other Brother Williams shared from his own marriage, “As partners in my own marriage, we have always received the same answers. If we go with what we thought, we would have failed.” We went on talking about counsels and the pattern that the brethren use for having effective counsels. First, they start and end with a prayer. In the middle, they discuss to consensus, and end with refreshments. Interestingly enough, this is related to the patterns of writing in the Book of Mormon. Important scriptures are patterned in Chiasms. They begin and end on a good note and the emphasis in the middle is the Lord’s will.