Why
Authoritative parenting is best…
In “The Collapse of Parenting: Why It’s Time for
Parents to Grow Up,” Gulli talks about the collapse of parenting in America.
Adults are asking children rather than telling them because they know that
coerciveness leads to resistance. Parenting is seen as democratic and control
is seen as damaging. However, this power shift creates imbalance. Examples of
this include childhood obesity, sleep, and attention disorders. Parents soothing
their children with snacking, technology, and too much homework interrupt their
circadian rhythms. Chronic fatigue may be associated with ADD and ADHD which
mimics the symptoms of sleep deprivation.
In
school, pushing children does not give them time to reason and problem solve. “Fulghum’s
rules” associated with moral behavior, was replaced with literacy and numeracy
in the 1980s as America sought to pull ahead. However, this ended up in a loss
of our own culture. It also may be the result of depression, anxiousness,
unemployment, poor health, and drug addiction. Parents who integrate
authoritative parenting practices have better outcomes with their children as
they learn humility and conscientiousness to counter inflating self-esteem and
sense of entitlement.
Michael
Popkin, Ph.D. author of Active Parenting
of Teens shares insights as to the why and how of active parenting in his
published video series. He gave a metaphor of a ship that had sunk because off
the lack of ballast. One other definition of ballast is that which
gives stability to character: cooperation, respect, and responsibility. In the
same way, emotional stability gives adolescents what they need to withstand the
storms in life.
Other than infancy, the most
gray matter that is contained in the brain is in ages 11-14. Pruning starts from the
front to the back of the brain starting with the cerebellum and then the nucleus,
temporal love, amygdala, and lastly the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal
cortex is the judgment center of the brain.
Teens may encounter a
number of risks such as violence, depression, violence, pregnancy, STDs, suicide,
bullying, drug abuse, alcoholism, and absentee parents. These problems are not
insignificant. 60% of children are in homes that are divorced. There are
500,000 teens who attempt suicide every year. Teens are involved with sex at an
earlier age every year.
How parents respond and
not react to these issues effects how they behave in the future. The active
style or authoritative parent acts as a model. In other words, the behavior
that they display towards the child is the way the child will treat others. The active parenting method may be envisioned as a zigzag with
a circle around it symbolizes freedom with expanding limits. Active parenting includes affection and logical discipline. As conflict may create hurt
feelings, teens need to know that they are valued. When parents take the time
to engage in enrichment activities such as board games, golf, etc. they are unconsciously saying that they like to be with them.
Active parents turn problems into learning experiences to develop qualities of
character. With each situation, the parent may first define who owns the
problem. When the parent owns the problem, they use discipline. They use
support skills when the teen owns the problem.
Effective
communication leads to cooperation. Cooperation is key in working together for
a common goal. The opposite of cooperation is a power struggle. Civilizations
have built and solved problems through cooperation, its opposite effect is war. Effective
communication entails reading behind the lines and discovering the real issue
by words, tone of voice and nonverbal cues.
Step 1: Avoid words, tone of voice, and nonverbal cues that discourage the teen from
sharing their thoughts and feelings. Communication blocks include commanding,
negative expectations, interrogating, moralizing, focusing on mistakes, being a
know-it-all, psychologizing, giving advice, and sarcasm.
Step 2: Listen actively.
Listen to what they say, what they are feeling. (Ex. “I never want to do math
again!)
Step 3: Respond to feelings
(ex. “you seem disappointed”)
Step 4: Look for
alternatives/ evaluate consequences (ex. “let’s get a tutor”)
Step 5: Offer
encouragement
Step 6: Follow up later
Popkin suggested that writing letters of encouragement
has a lasting positive impression and to write one to each teen.
The letter should be truthful, positive, believe what their strengths are, areas they have had improvement, and what qualities they like about them.
Popkin suggests that discipline is necessary because
teens lack development in their prefrontal cortex and display characteristics
of invincibility. The Titanic ship in 1912, was seen as invincible
until the captain ignored orders, resulting in the collision of an iceberg and
the drowning of 1,500 passengers.
When parents come across a problem they may start with a polite request. If the teen forgets, they may use a firmer “I” message that focuses on the behavior, not the teen. Words to avoid are “you” and “why”. If they do not comply, the parent may increase in firmness.
Step 1 “I have a problem with the mess in this room”
Step 2 “I feel taken advantage of” (teaches empathy)
Step 3 “Because I either have to live with a messy room and clean up
after you” (reasoning)
Step 4 “I would like… you to put your things away”
Step 5 “This mess, pick up now” short and simple. Do not lecture (firm
reminder)
Step 6 If the teen does comply, use logical consequences
Logical
consequences entail either/or and when/then choices. Either/or choices
establish limits and help them to stop doing something such as arguing. (Ex. “stop
arguing or you both lose privileges on the computer”). When/then choices are
effective in getting them to start doing something. However, they should not be
used as bribes. Rather, they suggest that before the teen has fun, they should
do the less enjoyable activity first. (Ex. “when you clean up your room, then you may
play outside”).
- Ask teen to help decide consequence.
- Put the consequence in the form of a choice: either/or choice when/then choice
- Make sure the consequence is logically connected to the misbehavior. (Ex. instead of saying clean up and owe me 5 dollars, say I’ll clean up but you will pay me for my maid service.)
- Give choices that you can live with
- Keep your tone of voice firm and calm.
- Give the choice one time, then enforce the consequence.
- Expect testing from your teen.
All in all, if teens do not learn positive behavior through support and discipline, they may succumb to a failure cycle that drops their self-esteem and jeopardizes their future. Parents may guide their teen to build self-esteem by helping teaching them important skills such as dressing, reading, or the computer. This increases their courage and ability to succeed. The natural high experienced helps them to avoid drugs. In helping a teen build their skills they can follow this method in an enrichment activity...
a.
Motivate your teen: ex. cooking rather than eating out
b.
Select a good time: when there’s nothing to do
c.
Break down into small steps
d.
Demonstrate the skill
e.
Let the teen try while you stand by and offer support
f.
Encourage, encourage, encourage
g.
Work or play together learning the new skill- eat it
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