L06 Transitions in Marriage

To sum up the topic this week, I learned about the transitions we make for marriage as well as having children. In chapter 8: Getting Married, in the Marriage & Family text, I learned about why people get married, types of marriages, expectations, and adjustments.

                People get married for all sorts of reasons: intimacy, social expectations, social ideals, personal fulfillment, desire for children, and a practical solution to a problem (leave home situation, realize ambitions, and loneliness). This may not always be the healthiest way to enter into marriage. In thinking that marriage will fulfill all emotional, physical, and romantic desires may actually lead to marital problems.

                The ENRICH test measured 9 dimensions of 8,383 couple’s relationship satisfaction in habits, conflict management, finances, affection, children, parenting, outside relationships, and religion. Different types of relationships within marriage include devitalized, financially focused, conflicted, traditional, balanced, harmonious, and vitalized. Researchers found that devitalized individuals were dissatisfied in all areas, vitalized were satisfied in all dimensions, while all the other types differed in between. Devitalized were younger, married fewer years, had lower income, and divorced parents. The vitalized individuals were older, married longer, had higher income, and intact home.

                The reason why this is important is that we might anticipate that even though the “honeymoon” period does not last, as discovered even within the first year of marriage, does not mean that marriage satisfaction inevitably decreases from there on out. Satisfaction may be recaptured in a long-term relationship. You may ask what causes marital satisfaction to decrease. The answer is children. That does not mean that people who have children are less happy. In fact, it is quite the opposite, especially in the long run. When children come into the picture, couples find themselves having to adjust as they discover that they and their spouse held “private contracts.” This means they assume their partner to know and live by patterns, standards, and behavior that they learned in their own families. Instead of getting angry for what a spouse did or did not do, we can present this as an opportunity to strengthen our commitment to one another through compromise.

                Commitment is defined as promise, dedication, and attachment. Ways to build commitment are: equity, expressing affection throughout marriage, sharing religious values, participation in organized religion, and other activities that are gratifying for both partners. The more gratifying the experiences, the deeper the commitment. One quote I really liked was, “There is an old story about a reticent New Englander who said that he loved his wife so much it was all he could do to keep from telling her about it.”