L06 Insights- Happiness in Marriage

     I always enjoy when our teacher, Brother Williams shares his experiences and insights about family life. With each child a couple has, marital satisfaction tends to decline. As children leave the nest, marital satisfaction may take increase or decrease. One alarming statistic is that most divorces occur within 2-5 years of marriage when children come into the family, while children are leaving or after. The reason is that couples focus spend too much time on their children and neglect their own relationship with each other. They may find that there is nothing that is holding their relationship together.

     Marital satisfaction decreases because of the many challenges parenthood entails. Children can be loud, smelly, have inconsistent sleep patterns, be demanding, and need much attention. Emotional challenges entail each one or the other feeling left out in bonding or daily labors. The increase in workload presents less time spent together, especially mothers who do most of the childcare. One solution to mitigate these problems are to plan early. It is wise for wives to plan creative ways to involve their spouse before, during, and after the birth of their child. This can be talking about their experience, having husbands take precedence in the birthing process (rather than it being a “grandma event”), and sharing bonding experiences. It is also important to pay attention to each other’s needs and take turn on tasks.

     Another topic we talked about in class was about the expenses of marriage. Brother Williams mentioned the more amount of money that is spent on the event and the ring itself, the more likely it is to fail. This may be due to the fact of where priorities lay. We hypothesized that the reasons could be that they were getting married for the wrong reasons in the first place, such as winning the other’s love through money. I looked up on google, and yes, this is true. (http://nypost.com/2014/10/15/the-pricier-the-ring-the-likelier-the-divorce/) I wonder why celebrities seem to have the highest divorce rate. They are bombarded with the philosophy of consumerism bringing happiness, when in fact it creates division, jealousy, and maybe even less time for building true intimacy.

     Lastly, I read a talk given by Spencer W. Kimball called, “Marriage and Divorce.” (https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/spencer-w-kimball_marriage-divorce/) I was alarmed, yet pleased in the statistic that ½ of all marriages compared to 10% of temple marriages end in divorce. Most of the reasons for this due to selfishness. Selfishness entails thinking about one’s own needs instead of the good of the family. Kimball gives four ingredients to make a successful marriage, but in order to do so, no part should be left out.

     First off, marriage should not be entered into for the wrong reasons such as wealth, status, or showing up a former partner. It is recommended that we marry those of the same background to avoid breakup for reasons of incompatibility. This includes education, race, and religious background. Much prayer and fasting must go into consideration. We must choose a partner that fit as nearly as possible all the matters of importance to us. When we kneel at the altar, we make an agreement to work hard to achieve those ideals.

     Second, we must commit ourselves to unselfishness. “I” now becomes “we.” Our actions must be considered and be aware that they have an effect on the overall happiness of our spouse and children. Spouses grow apart when they seek to have the same comfortability that they grew up with. For instance, when both work, it might lead to competition, pride, and misunderstandings.

 Third, continued courting entails expressions of kindness and consideration to keep love growing. Love is like a flower. It will die if not nourished with esteem, admiration, expressions of gratitude, and unselfishness.

     Fourth, we must completely live of the commandments of Jesus Christ. Sin does not bring happiness neither can we buy it with money. Permanent happiness only comes through cleanliness and worthiness. A Conscience will continue to afflict, unless it has been seared, will deem a marriage in jeopardy.

     In conclusion, any marriage may be successful if both parties are willing to pay the real price. The idea of soul mates is a disillusionment. We must cleave unto our spouse, meaning that we will keep all intimacies private from others. Yes, we must love our in-laws and appreciate advice, but we work together on our problems in prayerful consideration.

L06 Transitions in Marriage

To sum up the topic this week, I learned about the transitions we make for marriage as well as having children. In chapter 8: Getting Married, in the Marriage & Family text, I learned about why people get married, types of marriages, expectations, and adjustments.

                People get married for all sorts of reasons: intimacy, social expectations, social ideals, personal fulfillment, desire for children, and a practical solution to a problem (leave home situation, realize ambitions, and loneliness). This may not always be the healthiest way to enter into marriage. In thinking that marriage will fulfill all emotional, physical, and romantic desires may actually lead to marital problems.

                The ENRICH test measured 9 dimensions of 8,383 couple’s relationship satisfaction in habits, conflict management, finances, affection, children, parenting, outside relationships, and religion. Different types of relationships within marriage include devitalized, financially focused, conflicted, traditional, balanced, harmonious, and vitalized. Researchers found that devitalized individuals were dissatisfied in all areas, vitalized were satisfied in all dimensions, while all the other types differed in between. Devitalized were younger, married fewer years, had lower income, and divorced parents. The vitalized individuals were older, married longer, had higher income, and intact home.

                The reason why this is important is that we might anticipate that even though the “honeymoon” period does not last, as discovered even within the first year of marriage, does not mean that marriage satisfaction inevitably decreases from there on out. Satisfaction may be recaptured in a long-term relationship. You may ask what causes marital satisfaction to decrease. The answer is children. That does not mean that people who have children are less happy. In fact, it is quite the opposite, especially in the long run. When children come into the picture, couples find themselves having to adjust as they discover that they and their spouse held “private contracts.” This means they assume their partner to know and live by patterns, standards, and behavior that they learned in their own families. Instead of getting angry for what a spouse did or did not do, we can present this as an opportunity to strengthen our commitment to one another through compromise.

                Commitment is defined as promise, dedication, and attachment. Ways to build commitment are: equity, expressing affection throughout marriage, sharing religious values, participation in organized religion, and other activities that are gratifying for both partners. The more gratifying the experiences, the deeper the commitment. One quote I really liked was, “There is an old story about a reticent New Englander who said that he loved his wife so much it was all he could do to keep from telling her about it.”

Lesson 05 Preparing for Marriage

     This week we learned about how to prepare for marriage. We read chapters 5-7 in the Marriage and Family Book. The three chapters I read were about getting involved in a relationship, falling in Love, and selecting a life partner. In the first chapter we learned about different types of lovers or in which we feel love for another person. Storge, philia, eros, agape, ludus, mania, and pragma. Storge is likened unto the unconditional love that a parent might have for their children. Storgic lovers develop sort of a slow affection for another person. Philia is the type of love that exists between friends. Erotic lovers focus on the physical aspects of a relationship. They feel passionate or strong attraction. Agapic lovers act on behalf of the well-being of others whether they like them or not. Ludic lovers enjoy relationships as a past time rather than wanting to be deeply involved. These types value their autonomy, freedom, privacy, and self-sufficiency. Manic lovers may fluctuate between extreme feelings such as jealousy and passion. The Pragmatic lovers consciously look for and assess a person’s character in order to seek compatibility. Styles of love vary by gender, ethnicity, and religiosity. Religious persons score higher than others on storge, pragma, and agape. Neutrally religious score highest on eros and ludus.

    

     It is also interesting that our attachments styles have developed because of our parents’ way of nurturing. Attachment styles include secure, avoidant, or anxious/ambivalent. Those with a secure attachment style are willing to get close and feel secure in a relationship. Avoidant attachment styles tend to avoid or distance themselves and is more comfortable with self-reliance than intimacy. They are less willing to trust people and show lower levels of intimacy. The anxious/ambivalent people show anxiety or fear of the other person abandoning them and seeks to establish close relationships.

     

     When pursuing relationships there are some things that we need to be aware of. cohabitation and date rape. Cohabitation to be a growing trend in the world today and many people tend to think that it is a good way of “testing out compatibility for marriage.” This however, is not the best way to go about finding a life partner. Statistics show that those who cohabit are unhappier in marriage and most likely to get a divorce. The reason being is that they do not deem marriage as a sacred union in the first place. In fact, woman are nine times more likely to be killed in a cohabiting relationship. 88% of college woman have experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual victimization by the end of four years. Higher rates occur among those who use drugs, binge drink and are involved in risky sexual behavior. Unfortunately, more college woman are disappointed because there is more casual hooking up than dating which usually involves alcohol. Do not be discouraged. Bruce A. Chadwick’s talk called, “Hanging Out, Hooking Up and Celestial Marriage,” gives some powerful suggestions in establishing and strengthening a celestial marriage:

1. Throw away the glass slippers- God is more concerned about you finding the right one rather than “the one”. There are many out there who can fit into the class slipper.

2. Don’t wait for others to carry your glass slipper about the campus looking for a match. Be proactive. Strong marriages come after growing through life’s challenges together. The best marriage or anti-divorce ticket is a valid temple recommend renewed each year

3. Exercise faith and have courage in dating and marriage. We must be like Moses’ people who were commanded to sanctify themselves so that they would be able to cross the Red Sea. Sanctifying may entail: washing clothes turn of trashy television, catch up on tithing, read scriptures for an hour, and say your prayers.

4. Keep physical intimacy at an appropriate level so as to enjoy the presence of the Spirit and to be worthy to seal your commitment to each other in the temple. Get a copy of Elder Hollands BYU talk, “Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments.” Too much intimacy can turn love to guile, dislike, and perhaps hate like Amnon who forced Tamar to lay with him in the bible.

    

Gender and Family Life

This week we have been discussing the topic of gender. In the Marriage and Family text, I learned that sex and gender, although seem to mean the same thing, are actually defined differently. Sex refers to to your biological identity, while gender refers to males and females as social creatures. Gender roles are the behaviors associated with being male or female. Gender-role orientation is the conception of self having masculine and feminine traits.

We can determine our traits as being more masculine or feminine by taking a test of whether we have more instrumental male traits (aggressiveness, competitiveness, self-confidence, and logic-achievement qualities) or female expressive traits (warmth, caring, sensitivity, and nurturance-relationship qualities).

Is being more masculine or feminine a bad thing? No, but studies show that being androgynous, or having both male and female characteristics whether you are a boy or girl, helps you live a more successful life! For example, men who exhibit the female characteristic of good communication may reap satisfaction of having better intimate relationships. Females, may benefit from the male characteristic of aggression to achieve well in school or other pursuits.

So what defines male and female traits? How do we know if these traits come to be socialized or are they biological? According to science, a little bit of both. Initially, environment plays a big part in nurturing our inborn temperaments. Interestingly enough, there are observed differences between males and females at birth. Female infants tend to have more eye contact while males exhibit aggressiveness. This may be due to hormones. As babies get older, they are even drawn to stereotypical toys- sports for boys and dolls for girls. Boys tend to draw towards those activities that are aggressive. Furthermore, this may account for why males tend to have better spacial skills and girls fine-motor. However, with our society beginning to change, as girls engage in other activities, girls are reaching the same level or higher in achievement in the mathematics. The conclusion is, males and females are equally capable.

Some of us are born more with female characteristics than male. Some girls call themselves "tom-boys." They usually like doing boy-ish things. When I watched the video by John Stossel called, Men, Women, and Sex Differences, it referred to Tom-boys as CAH girls. Their biological make-up has more testosterone. These girls typically will find themselves feeling different from the other girls of their gender. While their same-sex friends are playing with barbies, they like to play with the boy toys or immerse themselves in aggressive activities. The woman that was interviewed in the video was grown up and happily married to her husband, but even still, liked to continue to chop wood. Interestingly enough, when scientists observed monkeys, the females tended to be the ones nurturing their young, but the males often fought with each other. When females were injected with the hormone testosterone, they stopped nurturing and started fighting. 

      Then when reading about Transgenderism: A Pathogenic Meme, by Paul McHugh, I learned how the Johns Hopkins hospitals are getting rid of sex change surgeries for children because it is unethical and 80 percent of the time by the time of late adolescence, it resolves itself. In sex change surgery, children are given hormone medicines that block puberty that result in sterilization and other significant health risks. Sadly enough, the suicide rate goes up 20 times for those who have sex change surgery.

Additional Cultural Insights

    Immigrants face acculturation and familial stress due to finding jobs, learning a new language, and facing discrimination. I feel bad about those people who are immigrants that come to our country and find it hard when seeking greater opportunity. It must take great courage to leave family in order to seek for a better life. I believe having feelings of loneliness, being scared, etc. is completely normal due life's reconfigurations. How we respond to those shifts in our life determines the result. To cope, Mexican immigrants relied on their traditional belief of Familism. At times, it seemed that it did not all quite work out. That sort of "puzzle piece" seemed to fit better in Mexico. Conflict between parents and children began to occur as parents asserted their authority. They laid down restrictions without question. For this being, parents feared that they would become Americanized, or liberal. Becoming liberal meant that children might get into drugs and do poorly in school. Additionally, if they get into trouble, they put their family at risk if they are not legal immigrants (Bacallao 152). Children typically become acculturated faster than adults which creates the acculturation gap. Clashing cultures creates stress. As parents seek to maintain their cultural norms, they create rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries has resulted in more happenings of behavioral problems and rebellion among the children (Bacallao 142).

     Yes, it is important to consider what cultural values we allow to instill in our children. I agree with Smith in The Family System's Theory, that seeking balance is important between having an open and closed system. According to the Family System's theory, it's better to adopt an open system using negentropy which accepts outside information and altering patterns instead of entropy. That way we can negate further problems and stress. Those children from Mexico need good friends and ways to help them to adjust to the environment.

     Ultimately, I believe that it takes a village to raise a family. It's sad that Americanization is used as a term to describe something that does not define us in what America truly stands for. America is a place of freedom and opportunity. Yes, we have our freedoms, but our foundation is also build on a sense of God and moral values. Those values do not entail do what you want, murder, and steal, and do drugs in the pursuit of happiness. Hopefully, we can rely on our moral conscience to choose between good and evil. Hopefully, we can develop that conscience by the values parents are able to teach their children by spending time with them. Yes, there are some aspects of American society such as drugs and absence of values, but most children get into this because they are looking for a sense of identity or do not have a parent around (Bacallao 157). There are organizations, clubs, and religious affiliations to help children build friendships and a sense of community. This would be a good example of negentropy. I believe there must be a balance between open and closed family systems: instilling important values in our children so that they may choose right from wrong, and allowing them to be involved in the community (Smith). 

References

Bacallao, M.L., Smokowski, P.R. The Costs of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes After Immigration. Available from https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/287582-Campus.2017.Fall.FAML160/FAML%20160%2001%2c%2014/Lesson%2003-%20Social%20Class%20%26%20Cultural%20Diversity/The%20Costs%20of%20Getting%20Ahead %2c%20from%20Smith%2c%20et%20al.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=IwA2PV5IibsGtaUCjtXs0ZbtW

Smith, S.R., Hamon R.R., Ingoldsby, B.B., & Miller, J.E. Family Systems Theory, Chapter 5 of Exploring Family Theories. Retrieved from https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/287582-     Campus.2017.Fall.FAML160/assets/The%20Family%20as%20a%20Psychosocial%20System.PD   F?attachment=1&_&d2lSessionVal=3VOboZULSrr7SzByUKiKj4Tla

Cultural Influences

How does the family create and/or perpetuate the culture?    

     

    Family creates culture by behaviors and values that they instill in their children. Children see these values and behaviors as normal. They are more likely to adopt them to their own lifestyle. Children learn moral values that are taught in the home. They learn rules and meta-rules, which are rules about rules to help them observe correct behavior. Behavior may also be influenced by positive and negative feedback from parents in order to maintain homeostasis. For example, a child may ask for a change in rules, if granted, they receive positive feedback. The Family System Theory, includes looking at how a family works by the sum of its parts and how they interact. Families may also function as an open or closed system. This is determined of how open the family is to outside world influences. Negentropy is used in open systems, accepting outside information and altering patterns. Entropy, in closed systems may decrease competency in dealing with stress, further leading to fear, confusion and ineffective responses in times of crisis (Smith).

Are all cultures equally valid; do they all meet the same purposes with the same effectiveness?

     All cultures are working to achieve the same purpose. We are social creatures, and our happiness is based on the relationships we share with others. There are many different cultures who differ in values and beliefs, yet, by some way have come to find themselves in the same area. America is rich with a variety of cultures, and maintaining one’s culture is a struggle, especially when the collective culture of American society may conflict with many of the values to which they hold dear. Also, many cultures may face discrimination which disallows them from obtaining certain privileges that others may have. Different cultures may include African Americans, Hispanics, Asians, Native Americans, and interracial (Marriage & Family text). For example, undocumented Mexicans immigrated to our country in order to find opportunity for their family. They faced stressors that included the disintegration of familism as parents and children were separated from extended family as well as themselves as they worked jobs spending less time with one another. Risk for delinquency and depression arose among adolescents because of the increase in authoritarian parenting and missing family in Mexico. Parents feared their children exploring the U.S. environment without their family by their side. Children and parents reported their life was more enjoyable in Mexico because they had more time to spend with family. Single-parent families face challenges as well. Parents are subject to responsibility, task, and emotional overload. Both parents and children are at increased risk for depression and anxiety. Children are also at risk for a number of other harmful effects such as delinquency. In order to lessen the effects of single parenting, single parents can get a better education, have a positive attitude, learn good parenting skills, keep parenting a priority, have open communication, nonpunitive discipline, nurture own needs, and creating/maintaining rituals and traditions (Marriage & Family).

How can one carefully choose the aspects of one's culture to keep, and how do we perpetuate those into coming generations?

     We can carefully choose the aspects of our culture by comparing it with gospel principles. I really like what Elder Oaks said in the CES devotional entitled “Truth and Tolerance.” Being tolerant does not not have to adopt others’ beliefs. It is important that we defend what we believe in, especially that which protects our freedom to do so. It would be harder for future generation to perpetuate those traditions if we did not have that freedom. Furthermore, if children are sponges and are more likely to act and think like we have, we can help future generation by standing as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places. As we are an example in word and action, our children will learn and know for themselves. After all, it is in the family that children learn and develop their conscience.

What are two aspects of your own culture you'd like to perpetuate, and two you would like to set aside or improve? How can you do that?

     In my own culture, I would like to perpetuate living the gospel. As I seek to instill Christ-like characteristics in my character, I get rid of negative traditions of thought and behavior that I have picked up on the way of life. Another aspect that I would like to perpetuate is family outings. That might also include service. I like how in doing these activities we learn our strengths and weaknesses and how we can improve. Two I would like to improve is communication and family history. Communication is so important because people are better able to help one another out rather than dealing with challenges on their own. Family history strengthens family relationships and protects us from negative traditions in the outside world. Who wouldn’t want that!

Traditions are "inherited patterns of belief or behavior". Which traditions encourage the best in families and individuals, and which might best be discarded

     Traditions that may encourage the best in families and individuals is spending time with one another. I think it is important that children learn correct behavior so that they are better able to function in society. If children are left alone to themselves or do not have any rules regarding what they can and cannot do, they are at risk for getting into trouble because they have no direction. One tradition that can be discarded is keeping to ourselves. I think it is better to reach out to other in our family and community. In doing so we are better able to be contributors rather than consumers. As we look for service opportunities, we will better able to help others out of difficult circumstances. The noblest act of service is within your own family.