Light the World

Having recently read "Abiding in God and Repairing the Breach," By Neil F. Marriott I learned we choose whether or not to take offense and we are better off not to. As we get down on our knees and explain to Heavenly Father of our hurt feelings, He speaks inspiration to our minds and hearts to know how to deal with the situation. Instead of building walls he breaks them down and builds bridges. I am thankful for Jesus Christ because He is the "repairer of the breach."

(See https://www.lds.org/…/abiding-in-god-and-repairing-the-brea…)

and 

https://www.mormon.org/christmas/25-ways-25-days/day-25

L12 Remarriage (Part 2)

                There are about twenty-four types of remarriages. It consists of a mix of single, divorced, widowed, with children or none. 69% of woman and 78% of men remarry. Widows are the less likely people to get married. Those who are divorced, however, are more likely to be divorced. Serial marriages are a term used for those who have been in three or more marriages.

                The dating process is similar to the experiences that one has had in prior to their first marriage. They experience similar feelings of anxiety and apprehension. Mothers, however, may experience higher levels of stress and harsher parenting when their children display resentment. Widows may take more time to process their emotional upheaval before they begin the dating process. Those who prepare for remarriage tend to seek advice through books or counseling. They may even resort to cohabitation. However, couples should be aware that cohabitation diminishes stability and satisfaction in marriage.

                Those who seek to remarry may be seeking to establish an intimate relationship and fulfill their needs. However, some may find themselves disappointed because their private contracts may be unrealistic expecting their new spouse to fulfill all obligations that their prior spouse did not. This might include loyalty, nurturing children, companionship, coping, and commitment. There are also myths that entail remarriage such as thinking that it will make people happier. Realistically, everyone reacts differently. Children especially.

                Challenges to remarriage include complexities in the relationship to one another and all other prior and current relations. The couple that remarries are already in an older phase in their lives and if their relationship entails children, they do not have as much time to establish a relationship with one another. Roles within the family are ambiguous because children my challenge parents’ power because of no biological relation. Couples may deal with emotional issues from their first marriage whether it be lingering emotional attachment or negative feelings. These unresolved emotional issues effect not only their relationship but problems with children may be exacerbated.

                The quality of a remarriage depends on the couples consensus on important topics, social support, financial stability, handling children, nature of relationship with Ex, and extent of enjoyable family activities. Remarried couples are apt to deal with conflict less effectively than their first marriage. They not only lack problem-solving strategies, but the interaction with parents and in-laws as an additional buffer. Although remarriages have their weaknesses, they also have strengths. Not only do couples have a better balance between self and other interests, but husbands exhibit more non-traditional gender-role orientation. In other words they contribute to household tasks.

                The new step-family typically goes through a similar cycle as to a traditional marriage but entails a few adjustments. The first two years are the most turbulent. The fifth year is known as the “golden period” where children are in latency (ages 8-11). During this period routines and intimacy are established. During the sixth year, known as “singing in the rain,” are depicted as the troublesome teen years. Couples may be apt to attribute their challenges as to being a stepfamily, but the fact is that these challenges are typical among all.

                 The structure of stepfamilies is ambiguous. Family boundaries may differ according to how much each member participates in another’s life. Children may define their biological and biological parents in terms of retention, substitution, reduction, and augmentation. Children may or may not include their biological or step-parent as they refer to them as parents. Ambiguity also entails behavior expectations for children among biological, non-biological, and other obligations to ex-spouse relations.

                Step-fathering fairs better than step-mothering because children do better living with the mother. However, step-mothers would fair better in the relationship with their step-children if they lived with her. Step-fathers have better relationships with their step-children if they are engaged in parenting, communicating, and supported by their spouse in discipline. Although mother report as well or better parenting than their former spouse, step-children have lower academic performance, achievement, school related behavior problems, higher levels of depressive symptoms, and greater likelihood of spending time in jail. Family functioning also may entail less cohesion than intact families as they display lower levels of adaptability and ability to deal with problems successfully. Generally, there are more conflict with members, lower expressiveness in feelings, problem-solving skills, openness of communication, and quality of relationships. However, children fair better in a step-family rather than a single-parent household. Although divorce may effect children’s well-being the parents may be able to help them best by strengthening their own marital relationship. They can do this by setting aside time alone together and show each other that they care.

L12 Divorce, Remarriage, & Aging Families (Part 1)

This week we learned about divorce and remarriages. I read out of the Lauer book chapters 14 and 15. In chapter 14 it talks about the divorce trends. Although some people resort to divorce in the midst of their problems, it is good for people to know that unhappy couples are able to work through problems and have a happy union within 5 years. The trends of divorce have fluctuated throughout the years. In the 1950s, the rates were low and then in the 1960s and 70s they became higher. Laws have even become more lenient and the “fault” divorce changed to “no-fault” in which couples are able to be divorced without showing proof of any type of abuse or insanity. Still, some people like to keep it traditional by establishing a covenant marriage, founded on the Christian belief that promotes the idea that they will only divorce for adultery or abuse. Other reasons that couples may divorce are conflict, changed perspectives, and emotional problems.

The process of uncoupling can be quite complex. The couple goes through stages of recognition, discussion, action, and post dissolution. These steps entail the couple recognizing that they have a problem, discussing it, taking action to dissolve their marriage, and accepting the fact that it has ended. Some people are more at risk than others for divorce. Those who have lower education and socioeconomic status are at risk. That explains why African Americans are at a higher divorce rate than among all other races. They suffer from low income, job instability, discrimination, and unemployment rates. When all of these stressors add up, it puts a stress on their marriage. On the contrary, that which buffers a marriage from divorce include involvement in religion, social integration, and no more and less than 5 children.

Although some people may resort to divorce as solving their problems and having a happier life, it entails complications, especially when children are involved in the process. However, this does not mean that life satisfaction is impossible. It really depends on one’s perspective. A positive perspective may entail the opportunity to see it as an opportunity for personal growth. Most people will adapt within 2-3 years. Effects can be detrimental on a spouse. They usually experience lower physical and mental health. That is why suicide rates are higher and also drug abuse. These effects are most pronounced among those with children. Parents may display chronic disorganization and have difficulty meeting demands of parenting.

Divorce may create short-term and long-term effects on children. Children may be inflicted with emotional and physical ailments because parents are less warm and empathic towards them. They display lower self-esteem and succumb to eating disorders, lower competence, higher rate for substance abuse, lower sociality, and do poor in school. Long-term effects on children may include having negative attitudes towards marriages and lower quality in their relationships if they do marry. They also display lower levels of trust and altruistic love. Divorce is more difficult for boys than for girls as observed by their outward behavior. Boys display problematic behavior such as physical aggression, misconduct and destruction of property whereas girls are more indirect.

Losing a child is painful for parents. Children function better when they are in joint custody and or when their father is involved. A father must display authoritative parenting with warmth and affection to ensure better functioning in their child. Overall, parents need to be aware that conflict between them effects their children and they should seek to diminish it. Parents should avoid making negative disclosures about the other parent because children will have more mental and physical health problems if they do. Children also fair better when they are able to talk about the stress and feelings that they are experiencing.

L11 Parenting (Part 2)

Why Authoritative parenting is best…

     In “The Collapse of Parenting: Why It’s Time for Parents to Grow Up,” Gulli talks about the collapse of parenting in America. Adults are asking children rather than telling them because they know that coerciveness leads to resistance. Parenting is seen as democratic and control is seen as damaging. However, this power shift creates imbalance. Examples of this include childhood obesity, sleep, and attention disorders. Parents soothing their children with snacking, technology, and too much homework interrupt their circadian rhythms. Chronic fatigue may be associated with ADD and ADHD which mimics the symptoms of sleep deprivation.

     

     In school, pushing children does not give them time to reason and problem solve. “Fulghum’s rules” associated with moral behavior, was replaced with literacy and numeracy in the 1980s as America sought to pull ahead. However, this ended up in a loss of our own culture. It also may be the result of depression, anxiousness, unemployment, poor health, and drug addiction. Parents who integrate authoritative parenting practices have better outcomes with their children as they learn humility and conscientiousness to counter inflating self-esteem and sense of entitlement.

            

     Michael Popkin, Ph.D. author of Active Parenting of Teens shares insights as to the why and how of active parenting in his published video series. He gave a metaphor of a ship that had sunk because off the lack of ballast. One other definition of ballast is that which gives stability to character: cooperation, respect, and responsibility. In the same way, emotional stability gives adolescents what they need to withstand the storms in life.

    Other than infancy, the most gray matter that is contained in the brain is in ages 11-14. Pruning starts from the front to the back of the brain starting with the cerebellum and then the nucleus, temporal love, amygdala, and lastly the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is the judgment center of the brain.

     Teens may encounter a number of risks such as violence, depression, violence, pregnancy, STDs, suicide, bullying, drug abuse, alcoholism, and absentee parents. These problems are not insignificant. 60% of children are in homes that are divorced. There are 500,000 teens who attempt suicide every year. Teens are involved with sex at an earlier age every year.

     How parents respond and not react to these issues effects how they behave in the future. The active style or authoritative parent acts as a model. In other words, the behavior that they display towards the child is the way the child will treat others. The active parenting method may be envisioned as a zigzag with a circle around it symbolizes freedom with expanding limits. Active parenting includes affection and logical discipline. As conflict may create hurt feelings, teens need to know that they are valued. When parents take the time to engage in enrichment activities such as board games, golf, etc. they are unconsciously saying that they like to be with them.

    Active parents turn problems into learning experiences to develop qualities of character. With each situation, the parent may first define who owns the problem. When the parent owns the problem, they use discipline. They use support skills when the teen owns the problem.

     Effective communication leads to cooperation. Cooperation is key in working together for a common goal. The opposite of cooperation is a power struggle. Civilizations have built and solved problems through cooperation, its opposite effect is war. Effective communication entails reading behind the lines and discovering the real issue by words, tone of voice and nonverbal cues. 

Step 1: Avoid words, tone of voice, and nonverbal cues that discourage the teen from sharing their thoughts and feelings. Communication blocks include commanding, negative expectations, interrogating, moralizing, focusing on mistakes, being a know-it-all, psychologizing, giving advice, and sarcasm.

Step 2: Listen actively. Listen to what they say, what they are feeling. (Ex. “I never want to do math again!)

Step 3: Respond to feelings (ex. “you seem disappointed”)

Step 4: Look for alternatives/ evaluate consequences (ex. “let’s get a tutor”)

Step 5: Offer encouragement

Step 6: Follow up later 

     Popkin suggested that writing letters of encouragement has a lasting positive impression and to write one to each teen. The letter should be truthful, positive, believe what their strengths are, areas they have had improvement, and what qualities they like about them.

     Popkin suggests that discipline is necessary because teens lack development in their prefrontal cortex and display characteristics of invincibility. The Titanic ship in 1912, was seen as invincible until the captain ignored orders, resulting in the collision of an iceberg and the drowning of 1,500 passengers.

     When parents come across a problem they may start with a polite request. If the teen forgets, they may use a firmer “I” message that focuses on the behavior, not the teen. Words to avoid are “you” and “why”. If they do not comply, the parent may increase in firmness.

 Step 1 “I have a problem with the mess in this room”

 Step 2 “I feel taken advantage of” (teaches empathy)

 Step 3 “Because I either have to live with a messy room and clean up after you” (reasoning)

 Step 4 “I would like… you to put your things away”

 Step 5 “This mess, pick up now” short and simple. Do not lecture (firm reminder)

 Step 6 If the teen does comply, use logical consequences

     Logical consequences entail either/or and when/then choices. Either/or choices establish limits and help them to stop doing something such as arguing. (Ex. “stop arguing or you both lose privileges on the computer”). When/then choices are effective in getting them to start doing something. However, they should not be used as bribes. Rather, they suggest that before the teen has fun, they should do the less enjoyable activity first. (Ex. “when you clean up your room, then you may play outside”).

1.  Ask teen to help decide consequence.
2. Put the consequence in the form of a choice: either/or choice when/then choice
3. Make sure the consequence is logically connected to the misbehavior. (Ex. instead of saying clean up and owe me 5 dollars, say I’ll clean up but you will pay me for my maid service.)
4.  Give choices that you can live with
5. Keep your tone of voice firm and calm.
6. Give the choice one time, then enforce the consequence.
7. Expect testing from your teen.

     All in all, if teens do not learn positive behavior through support and discipline, they may succumb to a failure cycle that drops their self-esteem and jeopardizes their future. Parents may guide their teen to build self-esteem by helping teaching them important skills such as dressing, reading, or the computer. This increases their courage and ability to succeed. The natural high experienced helps them to avoid drugs. In helping a teen build their skills they can follow this method in an enrichment activity... 

a.      Motivate your teen: ex. cooking rather than eating out

b.      Select a good time: when there’s nothing to do

c.       Break down into small steps

d.      Demonstrate the skill

e.       Let the teen try while you stand by and offer support

f.       Encourage, encourage, encourage

g.      Work or play together learning the new skill- eat it